I really am a divorce attorney and as such, I see the everyday problems couples face. How often? Well, everyday. Yet, despite a cynical and jaundiced view of people I've developed over the years, I'm fortunate to be in the best relationship of my life. But before starting, I have to start with a lawyer joke that I believe illustrates an important point regarding this topic.

Everyone knows what's wrong with lawyer jokes- lawyers don't think they're funny and nobody else thinks they're jokes. That's not the joke and actually most attorneys tell lawyer jokes from time to time and we get a kick out them. So, now for the joke that may not be funny, but drives home a point for me when dealing with people going through a divorce or termination of their marriage.

"A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The doctor announced, 'Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously medicine is the oldest profession.'

"The engineer replied, 'But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine.'

"The lawyer smirked, and said, 'Who do you think created the chaos?'"

Funny? Not the funniest one I've ever heard. But, I believe it demonstrates something, based upon experience, about relationships, not lawyers. There's one more old joke along the lines of an attorney in a small town. Unfortunately, he's the only one in town and not doing well financially. Suddenly another lawyer hangs out his shingle and all of sudden they're both making a ton of money.

Sure, attorneys argue and fight and many times create conflict where little or none existed. Therefore, avoiding them isn't a bad thing. A person walks into my office and tells me about his or her lousy spouse or worse, what they are being accused of by the other spouse and what do we do? We examine the facts. Chaos-you bet! Was it caused by the attorney? Well unless I raised the person since birth, the answer is absolutely not! But what if did, it's not about me and my failure as a parent, it about his or her individual responsibility.

People go through life acting like idiots for years and then expect the lawyer to make them look good. Sorry, if you've been an asshole for 20 years don't come looking to me to make you look good in a few months. I can do some simple card tricks but I'm not a magician, well at least not usually.

So, what do you do? The simplest answer is to head off problems before they begin. I'm almost always amused by the husband, sometimes the wife, caught off guard when their spouse files for divorce. They didn't see it coming. Well, they weren't paying attention more than likely.

The signs almost everytime were there. Despite the increased number of divorces, very few people jump into it. I've talked to folks, generally wives, that have thought about it sometimes for years before deciding to file.

Did they try to work things out before it got to the point of coming in to see me? Generally one person has-generally the one sitting in my office initiating the termination of the marriage. The words of warning fall on deaf ears all so often. The wife continually brings up problems or concerns that need addressed only to be told it's her problem, not his. "We need to go to counseling," she tells him. "Maybe you do, but I don't," comes his reply. "You're the one with the problems, not me."

I use to believe, erroneously I'm afraid, the number one cause of divorce could be traced directly to financial problems. I was so wrong. Is there a number one problem? Experience tells me, understanding I could conclude with a current comedian's lament, "I could be wrong", there is a problem that leads to all others-lack of communication.

Communication is the key to a strong, healthy and vibrant relationship. When a couple doesn't talk, and I mean really communicate(which means listening as well), problems arise. Adulterous relationships are a prime example. If my spouse doesn't give me what I need, not necessarily sexually, but an audience, I'll find someone that will.

As soon as I find that someone showing any kind of interest in me or what I have to say, I'll continue to talk to that person. Everyone loves to feel important and like somebody cares. What happens? The new relationship flourishes because he or she pays attention to me. This new person makes me feel like I'm important and before you know it, the new relationship steps up a notch and I think I'm in love. Oh well, my wife(husband) doesn't really understand me anyway, but here is a person that does. It blossoms and the next step often leads to an affair.

Physical and emotional abuse come from the same thing, a lack of communication. I'm not even sure which is worse anymore. I must confess the majority of my clients are women so maybe my perspective is a bit off, but I don't think so. I hate physical abuse, but I suppose physical wounds heal more quickly than do the emotional scars of verbal attacks on women: being called a slut, whore and bitch; you're ugly, nobody else will want you; you can't make it without me, etc.

As an aside, on name-calling, I heard a new one recently. An oxymoron I guess-"Frigid Fucking Bitch!" Even the woman in my office laughed as she told me this one when I pointed the nonsensical nature of the statement to her. By the way, men are not the root of all marital discord as the reader may tend to believe by this piece. It does go both ways.

Why do people fight by lashing out with words of disdain or their fists? I don't know, I'm not a psychologist. But, I suspect it is the inability to articulate what a person feels. If you can't talk about a problem, you can always strike out verbally or physically.

Take yourself back to high school or even earlier. Most everyone remembers the bully that picked on everybody. Well, it was either for sport or more likely, the inability to reason with his brain rather than his fists. Try talking logic with a bully without the ability to think and speak and you overwhelm him. At that point, the only (ir)rational response for him (or her) is to lash out verbally or physically.

Pick the problem and my guess is you can find the genesis goes back to a lack of communication between the two people. This includes financial and a host of other problems, each of which create their own type of stress in a relationship. So, what can you do?

Use techniques lawyers use when negotiating. I'm not talking about techniques used by a famous western attorney that wrote a book about how to never lose an argument. I'm talking about attorneys that care about what they're doing and are trying to help people through a difficult and trying time.

Does that mean the attorney out west is wrong or he doesn't care about people? No, not at all. There are actually times when winning is important, but you pick your battles; sure, when you're dealing with a snake, you stomp it to death. Generally though, while the attorney is willing, most people never finish the task and the battle continues long after the divorce is final.

The following are just a few of many tricks of the trade, but if you learn anything from this, hopefully you won't be in to see me or someone like me.

1. Show the other person you understand their position, wants and desires. If you're not sure you understand, ask.

2. More importantly, listen, listen, listen! Actually listen to the other person more than you speak. You might be surprised at how a person blowing off steam will resolve the problem just by talking.

3. Compromise. This is the difficult one and goes hand in hand with the next. It can also mean coming up with an alternative solution that both people find palatable.

4. Don't cross-examine your significant other. It's easy to do but all you do is paint both people into a corner. Sometimes it's about saving face, but when pushed or things become black and white with no shades of gray, the ability to back off and resolve matters in an amicable way dissolve. There's a place for cross-examination. It's in the courtroom, not the bedroom.

5. Don't bring in outside parties. A divorce lawyer's worst nightmare is when a brother, sister, friend or parent shows up with one party during negotiation. "My mom says." You know what, I don't care what your mom says. If the problem is important enough, work it out between yourselves. Your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, or your friend are not going to live with whatever decisions are made but the two people involved will have to. Take friendly advice from those not really knowing the whole story, but work out between yourselves.

6. Resolutions and settlements are not always fair nor should they be. Attorneys are taught somewhere, maybe in law school, from judges or just from experience that compromise(there's that ugly word again that attorneys hate) or a good settlement is one where neither person is completely happy. Why? Because each side had to give up something. This certainly isn't fun, but we're dealing with reality here.

How does this work? Well, she wants to visit her mom this Saturday and you have plans to go out with the guys. One alternative may be to go out with the guys Saturday and do something special with her and her mom the next day. Something special they like by the way. It doesn't mean taking them to a ball game because you happen to like baseball even though you know they don't.

Or, if you don't visit dear old mom all that much but every Saturday is guy's night out, skip the guys for a night. There's always next Saturday and if you die before Saturday, well that's life and besides, you got to spend your last Saturday on this earth with the person that should mean the most to you.

7. Don't declare victory. Believe it or not, most attorneys that are any good and obtain the best result in a case always tell the other attorney he or she won or at the very least, what a great job he or she did for their client. Sure, I could gloat; but what about next time. The same is true in your relationship. You're not always going to be right.

So, you're going to fight anyway. Advantage-men. Maybe this is changing in today's society, but it's doubtful. Men like to fight, most women don't, at least not in the same way.

Also, at least know what you're fighting, discussing or debating about and understand the basic differences between the male and female psyche. Men in theory are less emotional and deal in facts. Women deal in facts related to emotions which are in turn related to relationships.

Alright, now what? Well, say what's on your mind without trying to intimidate for one thing. Remember the bully; it may work for guys with other guys, but shouldn't even be a part of your relationship.

Take time to listen. There's no bell that sounds at the end of a round. If it takes three minutes to hear out the other side, fine. If it takes 30 minutes, I guess you need to ask yourself if you'd rather be happy in the long run or just plain right.

Stay away from words like "always" and "never" during a dispute. The words leave no room for compromise nor for retreat when you realize how stupid the comment was to begin with. A person can't save face when they have to retreat.

Don't call each other names. She may be bitchy at times, but she isn't a bitch. The words will stay with her long after the night is over. Taking back the words of war is difficult if not impossible. "I didn't mean it" or "I won't do it again" are the two most common expressions of abusers.

Maybe you can pull it off once, but after that, any words become empty and hollow. After that, the relationship becomes just as empty and hollow. Same for the women to an extent. He may be a little thick sometimes, but do you really have to call him a dickhead. It will probably evoke a response that will only escalate matters to a level neither may be able to retreat from because of foolish pride.

Somebody, I'm not sure who, said "Noah started building his ark before it started raining" or something to that effect. Well, do the same thing. Either prepare for or head off problems before they begin by being free to talk about anything and everything. If each person is free to do it without giving thought to reprisal, rebuke or reprimand from the other, the battle isn't half-won; it may not even begin.

Oh sure, there will be disagreements in all relationships. But, there isn't a problem that can't be worked out through communication with a dose of cooperation and consideration mixed in.

That sounds a bit idealistic and it probably is. Some people discover they shouldn't be together but they can at least try. If it fails, and you really need an attorney, there are ways to pick a good one but that's another topic.

I mean let's get real here. This is supposed to be your best friend. A television personality ends his shows with the admonition to be "kind to yourselves, and to each other." Stress the "other" for the sake of both of you.