Buffy, Michael, Xander, and Anya sat in Xander’s basement. The Michael and Xander were sitting on the sofa, with the Anya and Buffy sitting on the floor each in front of her respective boyfriend. They were watching TV, except Buffy, who had a book in her lap and was engrossed in it. Xander was holding the TV remote. Anya’s right arm was in a sling.

“Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate’s out of commission. Xander said.

“We think the cat peed on it. Anya told them.

A Kung-Fu movie was showing on the TV.

“I do have Spaghetti-O’s. Set em on top of the dryer and you’re a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness. Xander gestured at the dryer.

“Hmm. Yeah, I had dryer food for lunch. Michael said.

Upstairs they heard a door slam.

Looking up, Xander said, Ah, I guess the folks are back.”

They could hear voices yelling at each other. Xander, Anya, and Michael looked uncomfortable. Buffy was oblivious.

“No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars. Xander said but no one laughed.

There was more yelling from upstairs. Then there was the sound of another door slamming. Plaster dust from the ceiling drifted down onto Anya.

“Yeah, maybe it’s definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you’ve been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right? Xander asked.

Michael laughed, then noticed Buffy wasn’t paying attention.

“Hey Buffy, how’s that book? Full of zippy dates and zesty names? Michael asked.

Not listening, Buffy said, I’m fine.”

Michael leant forward, reaching his arms over Buffy’s shoulders and placed his palms on the book pages. Michael was wearing a black top that looked like it was made from not much more than fishnet stockings, the sleeves came down halfway over his palms.

“Heyyy. I’m enjoying the studying. Buffy said.

“Who are you lately? Give it up and watch the movie. Michael said.

“I guess it has been a long day with the crusades. I can take a little break from the violence for some Buffy looked up at TV, ooh, fighting.”

Onscreen, the kung-fu guys argued. Their mouths moved and badly dubbed English could be heard.

“Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import. Xander said.

“Much more durable than their hot plates. Anya added.

Michael leant forward to massage Buffy’s shoulders.

“Just relax. Michael told her.

“Mm mm. That feels good. Buffy said.

Xander looked at them, cracked his knuckles, and put his hands on Anya’s shoulders.

“Ow! What are you doing? I have a dislocated shoulder!”

Xander stopped rubbing. Michael stopped rubbing Buffy’s shoulders too.

“I’m trying to concentrate on the kicking movie. Anya told him.

“Hey! Rubbing went away. Buffy said.

Michael started rubbing again.

“Oh. sorry, I got caught up in the action. Michael said gesturing at the TV.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good.”

On screen, the fighting continued.

“Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba see, now with the flying kick. Scornfully Buffy said, From a dead stop! What’s powering it, raw enthusiasm?”

“Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You’re not always on Slayer duty, you know? Michael said.

“It would drive you crazy if we were watching a music movie and they were all playing their instruments backwards and.writing songs all willy-nilly.”

There was more shouting and banging from upstairs.

Xander and Anya shifted uncomfortably. Michael coughed several times.

“And anyway, I mean, you know, you can’t blame me for being critical. Willow’s the same way when we watch a, a movie about witches, right Xander?”

Distracted by the noise from upstairs, Xander said, What? Oh yeah, she’s all like, What’s that, a cauldron? Who uses a cauldron any more?

In a dark lair filled with steam and smoke demon was tending to a huge cauldron full of bubbling yellow liquid. Steam arose from it. The demon pulled the hood of his cloak back, he had brownish orange skin with cracks through which yellowish green light shone. His eyes were sunken and red, and his voice was very deep.

“The last step in thy forging is my pain. the price with which I purchase. the death of the Slayer. The demon said.

He had some kind of rod or stick in his hand. He plunged it into the cauldron, along with his hand. He screamed in pain.

There was a nice modern apartment building surrounded by bushes and grass, with a For Rent sign outside.

Willow, Anya, Xander, Buffy, and Michael walked down the hall. Xander wore a yellow T-shirt with a brightly flowered Hawaiian shirt over it. Anya still had her arm in the sling. Michael wore the same fishnet top and leather pants.

“If you get the apartment, this’ll be your hallway. Willow said. We’ll walk down this hall, and we’ll say, La la, I’m on my way to Xander’s.

“Just warning you, Xander, I probably won’t be doing that. Buffy said.

“Really? I will. Michael added.

“Hey, we’re just lookin’. Rent’s way high, so don’t get your hopes all carbonated. Xander said.

“But you have references. Anya reminded him.

“No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. Xander put on an important voice. Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow.”

Anya opened a door and they walked into the apartment. It was large and spacious.

“Whoa! Big! Willow said.

“It’s nice. And not subterranean. It’s very, uh, above-terranean. Buffy said.

Xander looked less than thrilled.

“I want it. Pay anything. Anya said.

“Xander Harris? said a woman’s voice.

The real-estate manager entered, smiling at Michael.

“Uh, no, Michael Raynes. Michael shook her hand. This is Xander.”

Xander wiped his hand on his shirt before holding it out.

“Hey.”

He and the manager shook hands.

“Ah. Was all she said.

“I brought my friends.”

“I see.”

“They wouldn’t always be around. Xander said.

“But we’re clean and-and quiet. Willow told her.

Xander looked nervous. The Manager looked uncertain.

Standing in the living room, gesturing around, Anya said, We can have the Scooby meetings in the living room, and-and Giles can explain the boring things over there.”

Going into kitchen Willow said, Oh, there’s a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn.”

“Phone and electricity are hooked up. There’s a private balcony, ceiling fan, closet space. the Manager saw Xander opening a door. And that’s the bedroom.”

Xander opened the door and found Buffy and Michael sitting on the bed, smooching.

“Guys, you can’t save it for the bedroom? Xander asked.

Buffy and Michael looked around pointedly.

“Okay, good point.”

He walked away. Buffy and Michael got up.

“I brought an application for you to fill out. The Manager said giving Xander a piece of paper.

“An application? I can’t just. tell you my references? Because there’s Albert.”

“We run your credit check based on the application.”

“Oh! Credit check. Then nervously, to the others. Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are.”

Xander laughed nervously. The others laughed politely.

“And we’ll be asking for first, last, security, and a small cleaning deposit. The total’s at the bottom of the sheet there.”

Xander looked at the sheet. Michael, Buffy, and Willow leaned in to look too. Anya came over and glanced briefly at the sheet.

To the Manager, Anya said, He’ll take it. Then to Xander. Xander, go get the furniture, I’ll wait here. Then again to the Manager again. He’s been living in his drunken parents basement where something urinated on the hot plate.”

Laughing nervously, Xander said, Anya, can we talk quietly over there? Then to the Manager. Excuse us.”

He pulled Anya aside, leaving the other three with the Manager. They smiled nervously at her.

“Uh, we, uh . we like the ceiling fan. Michael told her, trying to make conversation.

“Yes. It’s very, you know, kind of old south. Willow said.

“But without the unpleasant slavery associations. Buffy added.

“But why can’t we have it? Anya asked Xander.

Quietly, Xander said, I told you, my construction job is ending, and I won’t have any more money coming in. And by the way, you do have your own place.”

“So when I wanna visit you, I have to be in that awful basement?”

“Not forever. Just until things come together.”

“Which is when, Xander? Cause right now, things are looking pretty untogether, and you can’t expect me just to wait around for Her voice rose and the others tried not to notice.

“Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What’s going on with you?”

Loudly, Anya said, What’s going on with me is my arm hurts. and I’m tired. and I don’t really feel like taking a tour of beautiful things I can’t have.”

She stalked out. The Manager looked a little suspicious. The others smiled gamely.

With a big fake smile, Xander said, I guess I’ll just start on that application. I think you’ll like it. I’ve been told I have lovely penmanship.”

He took the application, put it on a counter and began filling it out. The Manager watched, looking sceptical.

In the Magic Box Giles was surrounded by boxes, looking at one.

To himself, Giles said, Miscellaneous curses. He laughed, picked up something unidentifiable from the box. Brilliant. Be lucky if I don’t curse my hands off at the wrist.”

He picked up the box, turned, and was confronted by the demon from the cave.

“Oh!”

Raising his stick, the demon said, The Slayer is not here.”

Giles grabbed something out of the box and held it up toward the demon.

“Rabbit’s foot, no, wait. he tossed it aside and looked in the box for something else.

The demon knocked the box out of Giles hands. Giles gasped and held up a wooden statue about a foot and a half high.

“That is a fertility God. The Demon told him.

Giles looked at it in dismay.

“Feeble man, you are not going to distract me

Giles hit him in the head with the statue. He reeled backward. Giles hit him with the statue a few more times, then the demon shoved Giles, and he fell into a pile of boxes.

Pointing his stick at Giles, You are not the Slayer.”

Giles rolled over and looked up at him.

“You do not concern me.”

The demon turned and walked out, his black cape flowing behind him. Giles watched, stunned, then let his head drop back onto the floor with a groan.

Later on that day Giles was standing, holding the statue, making hitting motions.

“Like this. and this. and this.”

Giles took a step across the magic shop floor with every swing. Kaz, Michael, Buffy, Willow, and Xander had also assembled in the magic shop. Willow, Anya and Buffy sat on the floor with books in their laps. Michael, Kaz and Xander were standing around watching Giles demonstrate what happened.

“That thing’s pretty heavy. Michael said.

“That’s Oofdar. Goddess of childbirth. She’s got some nice heft to her. Willow informed them.

“How badly did you hurt him? Buffy asked Giles.

“Well, hurt, uh. maybe not. hurt. Giles said.

“Well, I-I’m sure he was startled. Willow said.

“Uh, yes, yes, I’d imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn.”

Grinning, Buffy said, He ran away, huh?”

“Um, sort of more. uh. turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn’t concern him.”

“So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe? Buffy asked.

Insulted, Giles said, Well, I’m not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.”

“Good for you, Giles. Kaz said and gave him a friendly punch on the arm, Giles gave her an odd look.

Holding up a book, Willow said, Some good demons in this one. See if your guy’s in here.”

Giles walked over to take the book.

“So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who’s up for a swingin chorus of the We told you so symphony? Xander asked.

Hefting the Oofdar statue, Michael said, Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous. He took a few experimental swings with the statue.

Looking up from the book, Giles said, Toth.”

“What? Michael asked.

“He called you a Toth. It’s a British expression. It means, like, moron. Buffy said.

“No, Toth is the name of the demon. Giles said and saw Xander holding a crystal. Be careful with that.”

Xander looked around at the others then put the crystal down carefully.

“Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. Kaz said peering over Giles shoulder.

“It also says that for a demon he’s unusually sophisticated. Giles added.

“Sophisticated. So I should discuss men’s fashions with him before I chop his head off? Buffy asked.

Exasperated, Giles told her, They’re referring to the fact that he does not fight barehanded. He uses tools, devices. Oh, he’s also supposed to be very focused. And since he mentioned the Slayer, I think we know what the focus is.”

“He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him, and how hard can I kill him? Michael asked.

Consulting book, Giles said, Well, there’s no mention of the types of places he might frequent, but. he closed book and stood up. I have an idea. Giles walked around, talking thoughtfully. He had a very specific olfactory presence.”

“Well, I guess we’re off to the olfactory. I hate that place. Xander said and everyone rolled their eyes at him. I’m joking, I know what it means. He smelled. Uncertainly. Right?”

“Some demon rituals involve anointing with oils. Was it sort of. sandalwoody? Willow asked, hopefully.

“Um . not even remotely. But he was very, um. distinctive.”

Giles, Xander, Buffy, Michael, Kaz and Willow walked along cautiously, in the city dump. Buffy carried a large axe.

“The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves. Buffy said.

“People say they’re recycling. Michael shook his head. They’re not recycling.”

Xander patted Michael on the shoulder.

“I found a spell so you can’t smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so. no. Willow told them.

“That one’s difficult to reverse as well. Kaz added. Could spend the rest of your life without a nose.”

“Eew. Buffy said.

They heard noises and saw someone rooting around in the trash.

“What are you doing here, Spike? Michael said, shifting his crossbow.

Spike straightened up, holding a mannequin arm.

“Oh, there’s a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room Spike said almost pleasantly. Over the next pile of crap. What do you think I’m doing? I’m scavenging, ain’t I? He held up a small lamp in the other hand.

“Very pretty. Willow said.

Spike nodded and turned to put the arm and the lamp in a shopping cart nearby.

“Spike, um. we’re looking for a demon, um. tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off. Deep voice? Giles said, hopefully.

“You mean a great tall robey thing like that one? Spike said pointing behind them.

They all turned and saw Toth standing there. He pointed his stick at them, energy flashed out of it and they all ducked just in time.

“Take cover! Michael called.

“Big guy! Kick her ass! Spike called.

Toth fired again. Buffy and Xander ducked aside, and the bolt shattered Spike’s lamp which he was still holding.

“Oh, very nice! I was on your side! Spike angrily tossed the pieces of lamp aside.

Toth fired again.

“Watch out! Xander said.

Xander thrust Buffy behind him. The blast hit him full in the chest and he flew backward into a pile of trash. The others rushed over.

“Hey, you okay? Michael asked.

“I’m okay.”

“Buffy, he’s gone. Willow said.

“I’m fine. Xander said again.

“Easy, easy. Michael said.

Michael and Giles helped Xander up. He groaned.

“He disappeared. Michael said.

They looked around. There was no sign of Toth. They started to walk off.

“That had to hurt. Michael said.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Take it slowly. Giles said.

They walked off.

Unknown to them, among the bags, there was another Xander, lying apparently unconscious.

Scruffy Xander was lying in a pile of trash bags, yawning and beginning to wake up. With his eyes still closed, he made a disgusted face.

“Anya. you trying to use the hot plate again? he said.

Slowly he opened his eyes, and looked around. He could hear flies buzzing.

“Uh-oh.”

He got up and walked off.

Scruffy Xander was walking around the corner of his parents house, looking confused and dishevelled. He went down the outer stairs to his basement door, tried to open it but it was locked. He knocked.

“Anya? Ahn? he called.

He knocked some more, then kicked the door, hurting his foot, and hopped around in pain. He limped up the stairs and went to the nearest window. It was at ground level. He lay on the ground, wiped dirt off the window, and peered in.

Inside was a person wearing khaki pants but no shirt, combing his hair in front of the mirror inside Xander’s room.

Peering in the window, Scruffy Xander said, Oh my god!”

The person inside looked just like Xander.

“What? No way! Who is. me? Scruffy Xander said to himself.

Suave Xander was putting on a blue button-down shirt. His hair was neatly combed and appeared to be wet.

“What am I doing in there? Buffy. Need Buffy. Scruffy Xander said.

He got up, tripped over his own feet and fell over.

Scruffy Xander was standing at a pay phone with the receiver tucked under his ear as he dug in his pockets.

Scruffy Xander said into phone, No, it ate my quarter. Uh-huh. But see, I’m sort of having this aggressively bad day. He pulled quarter out of pocket. Ooh! I found a quarter! I found a quarter!. Well, ma’am, for me it is worth getting excited about.”

He hung up, put the quarter in, and dialled.

“Come on, Buffy.”

He turned and saw Suave Xander walking toward him, looking very tidy and confident. Scruffy Xander quickly turned away and hid his face with one hand, then watched as Suave Xander walked past him.

On the phone Buffy said, Hello?”

Scruffy Xander dithered for a moment, then hung up and went after Suave Xander.

“They hung up. Buffy said.

She hung up and picked up an axe. She was in her bedroom. Michael sat on the bed wearing leather pants and a long sleeved, blood red top. Buffy moved toward the bed, where she put the axe in a bag with some other weapons.

“Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I’ve got it covered from A to Z. From axe to. zee other axe. Buffy said.

Michael looked tense. She walked over to him.

“Relax. Another day, another demon.”

“Right. It’ll be good.”

“Hey.”

She leaned down to kiss him. They continued kissing, and then they heard choking and gagging noises. Dawn stood in the doorway, pretending to gag. Buffy and Michael stopped smooching, looking annoyed.

“My friend Sharon’s older brother knows a girl who died because she choked on her boyfriend’s tongue.”

Annoyed, Buffy said, Go away, Dawn.”

Michael looked amused.

“I’m not in your room. I’m in the hallway. The hallway doesn’t belong to you. Dawn said moving back slightly to make sure she was in the hall.

Joyce came out of the room across the hall.

Moving toward the door, Buffy said, Get out of here.”

“Mom, I can stand in the hallway, right? Dawn asked.

“She’s watching us like a big freak! Buffy complained.

Joyce sighed and put her hand to her forehead, This must be my two teenage girls in the house headache. I thought it felt familiar.”

“Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.”

“I did not! To Joyce. Did I give you a headache, Mom? I’m sure part of it is Buffy’s.”

“But part of it is Dawn’s.”

“It’s so nice you’ve learned to share. You girls, sort this out yourselves. It’s good for you. Joyce left.

Buffy looked annoyed.

Smiling smugly, Dawn said, She didn’t say I couldn’t stand here.”

Buffy was also smiling smugly, Hm.”

Buffy shut the door in Dawn’s face.

“Ow!”

Buffy went back to the bed and straddled Michael’s legs.

“I’m so glad I’m an only child. Michael said and put one hand on Buffy’s cheek.

“You don’t know how lucky you are.”

Buffy put one hand on top of Michael’s. Buffy then pulled it away from her face and looked at it.

“Hey, your sleeves.”

“What? Michael asked, a little confused.

“They come down over your palms.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know, it’s kinda cute.”

“Mm-hm.”

“You know what cute leads to

Buffy pushed Michael, so he was lying down on the bed. Buffy leaned down and kissed him. Michael reached up to grope Buffy’s breasts, but she stopped him.

“Ah, good things come to those who wait. Buffy said.

“And how are you gonna stop me from groping you?”

“I’m stronger than you, I can do what ever I like to you. Buffy said and pinned Michael’s arms to her bed.

“Fine, two can play at that game.”

His undivine attention won

She deftly spun

From neath His thrusts to writhe above

In ecstasy

Pendulous She swung

As is Her limbs imbibed his tongue

To spill, as with his rod

The secret name of God

Michael would have continued singing if Buffy hadn’t shoved her tongue down his throat.

Spike was in his crypt, arranging a mannequin. The mannequin was from the waist up only; it had no legs. Spike arranged its clothing, then turned away and took a long blonde wig from his shopping cart and carefully placed it on the dummy’s head. He smiled slightly.

“Very posh.”

He turned away as if to get something else, but suddenly whirled and aimed a kick at the mannequin. It fell over and its head came off, bouncing on the floor. Spike kicked it into the air and caught it. The wig was still on. Spike held the head up and gazed at it.

“Oh, Slayer. He rubbed his thumb along its cheek. One of these days.”

On a construction site various men and machines were working. Suave Xander approached a rack where a bunch of hard-hats were hanging. He picked up the one marked Harris and put it on before walking off.

Suave Xander was wearing the hardhat, gloves, and safety goggles, using some kind of noisy power tool on a piece of wood. A guy walked up behind him. It was his boss.

“Hey Harris! He got no reaction. He yelled louder. Harris!”

Suave Xander turned off the tool, Harris, right. Yeah.”

“In my trailer, okay? I’m talking to all the guys today. The job’s winding down.”

“Right, I’ll. be right there.”

The boss walked off as Suave Xander put down the tool.

Scruffy Xander was hiding behind a Porta-Loo, watching. He was still wearing the yellow t-shirt and flowered shirt over it, now looking extremely dirty. His hair was dishevelled.

Suave Xander walked toward the boss trailer.

Scruffy Xander muttered to himself, Welcome to payback, mister evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.”

Suave Xander walked across the site, smoothly ducking underneath a big pipe being carried by two guys.

The door of the Porta-Loo opened and smacked Scruffy Xander in the face. A hard-hatted guy, exiting the Porta-Loo, looked at Scruffy Xander as he put a hand to his face.

“Harris. Where’s your hard hat?”

Scruffy Xander made a face and walked off.

Inside the boss trailer.

“Sit down. The boss said.

Suave Xander did so, putting his hard hat on the desk.

Scruffy Xander was outside, he was trying to look through the window but it was too high.

“How long you work here, Harris?”

Suave Xander had something shiny in his hand, about the size and shape of a US quarter. He was turning it around in his fingers.

“Huh? I’m not sure.”

“About three months?”

“I guess, yeah.”

Scruffy Xander was trying to make a table to stand on, by pulling together some random pieces of wood that were lying around. He climbed up on it and peered in the window.

“And you haven’t done much construction work before this, is that right?”

“I knew they were gonna notice that. Scruffy Xander said to himself.

“I have to tell you, that’s surprising. cause your work here has been first-rate. Yeah, we have another job lined up in Carlton when you’re finished here.”

The shiny thing in Suave Xander’s hand was reflecting the light onto the boss face and chest.

“You ever think about staying on full-time?”

“What? Why isn’t he firing me. him? Scruffy Xander said to himself.

“I was thinking that I’d have you head up our interior carpentry crew. The shiny thing in Suave Xander’s hand, was still reflecting the light. see how it goes. It’s more responsibility, but the pay is better.”

Enthusiastically, Suave Xander said, That would be great.”

“Promotion? But I I mean, he didn’t Doesn’t he see the shiny thing? Scruffy Xander gestured angrily at the window. This caused him to lose his balance and fall off his perch.

The boss shook Suave Xander’s hand.

“Congratulations, Harris. You and your girl should go out and celebrate.”

Suave Xander said, I already have an idea how.”

The For Rent sign had gone from the apartment building, that night.

Suave Xander was filling out forms while the manager lady watched. He was still wearing the khaki pants and blue shirt, but now with a brown suit jacket over it.

“I was going to call you, Mr. Harris, let you know your credit checked out fine, but I really didn’t think you’d be back. The Manager said.

Out in the hallway Scruffy Xander was listening in, crouching on the floor.

Mister Harris. Yeah, right. Scruffy Xander said to himself.

“I’m sure you’ll like the building the Manager said, smiling, I think someone said you’re currently in your parents basement?”

“Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.”

The Manager laughed a little more than necessary.

“Well. she said picking up the documents. I hope you’ll be happy here, Mr. Harris. We’re certainly happy to have you.”

“Thank you. Suave Xander said, he was doing the trick with the shiny thing again.

“And if you. need anything. day, or night. please. Call me.”

Suave Xander grinned.

“I, um. I’m leaving my home number here.”

“She’s coming on to him me! Scruffy Xander said to himself.

“Call me. She handed Suave Xander her card. Even for, you know non-business stuff. Maybe we could, uh, do something?”

“Please, lady, that is so not me. He’s too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy. Scruffy Xander said to himself.

Scruffy Xander leapt aside as the door opened. He rushed to hide around the corner.

In the doorway the Manager said, Remember any time.”

She closed the door and walked off.

Inside apartment Suave Xander was dialling the phone.

“Anya, you there. Look, I know you’re still mad, but I figure you’re probably sitting there pretending you’re not home but listening anyway.”

In Anya’s apartment she was standing there in a bathrobe, still with her arm in sling, listening to Suave Xander on the answering machine.

“Am not. She said to the machine.

“Look, I have something to show you. Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. Nine o’clock.”

Anya looked conflicted.

In hallway outside Xander’s apartment the door opened and Suave Xander came out. He closed the door, locked it with the key. Scruffy Xander came out from around the corner and leapt on Suave Xander’s back, yelling.

“Yaah!”

Suave Xander threw him off and Scruffy Xander fell down. He got up and they stared at each other. Suave Xander punched Scruffy Xander in the face. He went down again, clutching his nose.

“I won’t let you do this! Scruffy Xander said.

“What’s going on down there? asked a female neighbour.

“You can’t do this to me!”

Suave Xander turned and ran off. Scruffy Xander groaned and clutched his face.

“Oh, man, I need Buffy. Scruffy Xander said to himself.

In Sunnydale that night it poured with rain. Scruffy Xander ran across the courtyard outside Giles apartment, soaking wet.

“No, no. He looked exactly like me. Suave Xander was saying.

Scruffy Xander went to the window and saw Suave Xander talking to Michael, Buffy, and Giles.

“It stole my face. We have to find it, and we have to kill it.”

Scruffy Xander turned away.

“She sees it’s not me. Please, Buffy resist his spell. Do this for me. Scruffy Xander said and turned to look in the window again.

“Don’t worry, Xander. Whatever stole your face, it has to deal with the Slayer now. Buffy said to Suave Xander.

Scruffy Xander stared through the window in alarm.

Willow entered her bedroom, carrying some books. A moment later the door burst open and Scruffy Xander came in, thoroughly drenched.

“Don’t be scared, Will. Just listen. It’s me, Xander.”

Willow put her books on the bed, looking confused.

“And I can prove it.”

“Um . okay. Willow sat on the bed.

“Let’s see. Xander paced. Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn’t get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. He grinned nervously. Willow didn’t respond. He paced more. For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! He pointed at Willow. Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance.”

He began to do the Snoopy dance, wearing a big grin. Willow watched for a moment and then got up.

Smiling Willow said, Xander. stop dancing.”

“Aha! You called me Xander!”

“Xander, shut up! Why wouldn’t I think you were Xander?”

“Oh. Huh.”

“What’s goin on?”

Xander sighed, Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.”

“Xander, the basement isn’t a dump. It, it’s more like a really nice hovel.”

“No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night, fall down boom, woke up this morning.”

“Nuh uh! We walked you home last night, remember? Willow sat down on bed again.

“You walked? Will. Did I do anything weird? Did I wave any shiny things around?”

“Shiny things, what are you talking about?”

“Last night, that wasn’t me. There’s a double out there. Some thing has stolen my face, and it’s going around pretending to be me, and it’s hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and Giles and Michael. It’s over there right now and they have no idea.”

“What’s intriguing me is that there are any number of demons with the ability to mimic a simple form, but, uh this sounds like more than that. Giles said.

“Hold up. Do we really have to figure out what it is? Let’s just go kill it. Suave Xander said.

“Yeah. When the impostor’s killed, the body’ll probably turn back into whatever it really is, and then we’ll know. Michael said,

“Toth! Buffy said.

They both looked at her.

“The demon with the creepy stick thing.”

Thoughtfully, Suave Xander said, Toth.”

“It’s gotta be! He hit Xander with that blast, and somehow it allowed him to take Xander’s form. Couldn’t that be what the creepy stick thing did?”

“Yes. I suppose, yes, yes, it makes sense. A shape-shifting device. Giles moved toward his bookshelves.

“It does make sense. It must be Toth. Suave Xander said.

Willow and Scruffy Xander were sitting side-by-side on the bed. He was wringing out his wet clothing.

Angrily Scruffy Xander said, It’s a robot. It’s an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil.”

“Uh huh. Or it’s Toth. Willow said.

Still angrily, Or, it’s Toth.”

“I was gonna look for Toth anyway. Guess now I start looking for you. Buffy said.

“Should I go with you? I told Anya to meet me at my new place. I’d feel a whole lot better knowing she’s safe from this creep. Suave Xander said.

Buffy nodded, Go be with her. I, I mean, if you were out there looking for the double too she looked at Michael, then back at Suave Xander, let’s just say that I wouldn’t wanna run into you and kill the wrong one.”

“Good thinking. When you kill this thing, you better make sure you got the one’s who’s actually Suave Xander said.

“A demon. A demon has taken my life from me, and he’s living it better than I do. Scruffy Xander said.

He was now standing and had his Hawaiian shirt in his hands. He gave it a shake to remove the water. Willow was still sitting on the bed, and winced as the water sprayed her.

“Well, we’re working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to unhypnotize her. I’ll find a spell to snap her out of it. Willow stood up and went to her bookcase.

Sourly, Xander said, Right. Whatever.”

Willow turned back to him, Xander, you sound a little But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.”

“That’s not true! Sometimes we all helped save you. Willow realized that was unhelpful. And sometimes you’re not in trouble.”

They both sat on the bed again.

“I’m just another great humiliation. Xander said and Willow looked sympathetic. But this time it’s even worse. This demon, he’s like taking my life, and everyone’s treating him. Everyone’s treating him like a grown-up! Will, I’m starting to feel like

“Like what?”

“Like. he’s doing everything better. He’s smarter, and. Xander shook head. I don’t know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.”

“Xander, no! Willow put hand on his shoulder. You’re just tired, and. and all soggy. That’s why it seems so hard, but you can’t let him just take your whole existence.”

“Why not? It’s not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I’m sure the guy is not gonna go, Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in! Willow was still looking sympathetic. No, what have I got that’s even worth His eyes widened. Anya!”

“You think he’s after her?”

“She won’t know. He can just. no. No way! Xander jumped up. No way. He can take anything, but he can’t have her. I need her.”

Half disgusted, half smiling, Willow said, Really?”

Desperately, Xander said, He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell, something. revealy. I gotta find her. He turned to leave.

“Xander. Willow said and he turned back. You already knew he was taking over your life, and. you didn’t think about Anya till just now?”

“Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it. Xander left.

“I handled it fine. Willow pouted.

Scruffy Xander burst into Anya’s apartment.

“Anya? An?”

He looked around. There was no one there. He noticed the answering machine blinking and pushed the button.

“Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. 9:00. Said Suave Xander’s voice on the machine.

Scruffy Xander looked around, ran to a bureau, and started rummaging through the drawers.

“It’s gotta be here. Where is it?”

In his apartment Suave Xander was getting together a bottle of wine and two glasses. Anya stood in the living room, on a blanket that was spread on the floor. A picnic basket was at her feet.

“You’re lying. It’s a trick. Anya said.

“No. Trust me.”

He walked over with the wine and put it on the floor next to the basket.

“You really got this apartment?”

“I really did. And do you know why?”

Anya looked around.

“The ceiling fans? Very attractive.”

“No. It’s because I knew you wanted it. It’s all for you.”

She moved closer to him and they kissed.

“Anya, you didn’t see me today, did you? I mean; we didn’t talk?”

“What do you mean? I just got your phone message, that’s all.”

“Good.”

They kissed again, knelt and then sat on the blanket.

“So. what happens next? Anya asked

“Well, at some point we take off our clothes. Xander said.

“I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?”

Confused, Xander said, A car?”

“And a boat. No, wait, I-I don’t mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just. we have to get going. I don’t have time just to let these things happen.”

“There’s no hurry.”

“Yes there is. There’s a hurry, Xander. I’m dying.”

Xander looked shocked.

“I may have as few as fifty years left.”

“Fifty years? What is thi Oh, wait a minute. This is about this. Xander touched her arm in the sling.

“What about the sling?”

“You haven’t been hurt like this since you became human. Xander said and Anya nodded reluctantly. Maybe it’s finally hitting you what being human means.”

“No, that’s not it. Anya said pouting.

“Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years. Anya nodded again. And now you’re gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like.”

“Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.”

“You can’t make it any different. I’m going to get old. And. you can’t promise you’ll be with me when I’m. wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.”

“No, I can’t promise that. But it doesn’t sound terrible. And that’s saying something. Anya looked somewhat comforted. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won’t be thinking about getting older.”

They smooched.

Suddenly the door burst open and Scruffy Xander rushed in. Suave Xander and Anya looked up.

“Get away from her! Scruffy Xander said.

“Xander!”

Anya and Suave Xander stood up.

“Xander! Anya said to Suave Xander.

“Get out. You don’t belong here. Suave Xander said.

“Anya. It’s me. Scruffy Xander said.

Anya looked in confusion from one to the other. She started to walk toward Scruffy Xander but Suave Xander stopped her.

“It’s a demon. He stole my face, he’s trying to trick you.”

Anya looked from one to the other, very confused.

“Anya, you know I’m me, right? Suave Xander said.

“No! Scruffy Xander said.

Anya looked at Scruffy Xander again and moved closed to Suave Xander.

“What is it? Make it go away. Anya said to Suave Xander.

In Giles apartment Michael was looking at a map. Giles was looking at books.

“So you’re thinking we split up? Michael asked.

“Yeah, you check the places where he might try and go and blend in as Xander. I’ll check the places where Toth might hang out. Buffy told him.

The door burst open and Willow entered.

“I swear, this time I know I had that locked. Giles said a little annoyed.

“Buffy, Toth looks like Xander. Willow said in a rush.

“We already know. We’re on our way. Michael said.

“Wait a second, how did you know about this? Buffy asked.

“He came to me. I-I mean Xander did. And he’s in terrible shape, we need to help him.”

Giles was reading a book, not listening to them.

“He came to us too. Michael said.

“No. We each had a Xander. I mean you didn’t have a Xander, you had a, a demon in a Xander suit. Willow said.

“What makes you so sure that yours is the right one? Buffy asked.

“He knew stuff! He, he did the Snoopy dance.”

Giles continued reading.

“Buffy, it was Xander, and he needs us.”

“Oh, dear Lord! Giles exclaimed.

“Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little Michael began.

“He seemed kind of forceful and confident. Buffy said.

“That’s not Xander. Willow said.

“I said, Oh, dear lord. Giles said.

“You always say that. Buffy told him.

“Well, it’s always important! Giles came forward to join them, carrying the book. Neither Xander is a demon.”

“Um is one of them a robot? Willow asked.

“What? No. Um, uh, the rod device, it’s called a ferula-gemina. It splits one person in half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell, Toth was attempting to split the Slayer into two different entities. Giles handed the book to Willow.

“Two Buffys? Buffy asked.

“Yes. One with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers, and the other one with everything that belongs to the Slayer alone the, uh, the-the strength, the, uh, speed, the heritage. And when it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest points and his Giles grimaced, weakest.”

“But which one’s the real one? Michael asked.

“They’re both real. They’re both Xander. Neither one of them is evil. There’s nothing in either of them that our Xander doesn’t already possess.”

“I still don’t get the original plan. I mean, why do it? The Slayer half would be like Slayer concentrate, pretty unkillable. Michael said.

“But the two halves can’t exist without each other. Kill the weaker Buffy half, and the Slayer half dies.”

“So the same goes for the Xanders. We lose one, we lose them both. Buffy said.

“He’s the demon! Scruffy Xander said. Anya looked uncertainly at Suave Xander. Or possibly a robot. Look at me. Look in my eyes. Can’t you see it’s me?”

Anya looked from one to the other, still completely confused.

“I, I don’t know! Anya said.

Desperately, Scruffy Xander said, Please! Look at him! Listen to him! He’s all smooth! You have to know it’s me!”

“Don’t worry, Anya. I’ll get rid of this thing. I’m thinkin this is gonna last about fifteen seconds. Suave walked slowly toward Scruffy Xander.

Scruffy Xander reached inside his clothing and pulled out a gun. He pointed it at Suave Xander.

“I’m thinkin less.”

Scruffy Xander pointed the gun at Suave Xander, with Anya behind. Suddenly Anya rushed forward.

“No! Don’t shoot him!”

She pushed the gun so it pointed at the ceiling. Suave Xander came forward and grabbed Scruffy Xander’s hands and all three grappled for the gun.

Giles car was zooming down the streets. Michael was driving and Buffy was in the passenger seat.

“Can’t this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass. Buffy said.

“We’re pushing 70. Michael said.

Buffy looked meditative.

“Michael, do you wish Buffy began.

“No. Michael said, without letting Buffy finish.

“No? You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”

“Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two.”

“Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole Slayer gig. Instead of having Slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy.”

“Hey. I have Buffy Buffy. Being the Slayer’s part of who you are. You keep thinking I don’t get that, but

“It’s just I know how un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters

“Buffy if you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn’t be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I’m talkin toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything. There’s no part of you I’m not in love with.”

Buffy looked up at him. He glanced at her. She smiled a little, then looked out her window.

“We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he’s dead. Buffy frowned. You know what I mean.”

Michael nodded.

The Xanders and Anya were still wrestling over the gun.

“Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot! Scruffy Xander said.

The gun fell to the floor, and Suave Xander grabbed it.

“Anya . get out of the way. Suave Xander said.

Anya was standing in front of Scruffy Xander. Buffy and Michael rushed in.

“Xander! Buffy said.

Michael closed the door.

Smiling, Suave Xander said, All right, Buffy. I have him.”

“No! Buffy! I’m me! Help me! Scruffy Xander said.

“My gun! He’s got my gun! Anya said pointing to the gun in Suave Xander’s hand.

“You own a gun? Michael asked surprised.

“Xander gun-holding Xander. Buffy walked quickly over to Suave Xander. Give me the gun.”

Both Xanders stared. Finally Suave Xander held the gun up and gave it a quick twist with one hand so that the bullets fell out onto the floor. He flipped it shut and handed it to Buffy, who looked impressed.

“Buffy, which one’s real? Anya asked.

Buffy handed the gun to Michael.

“I am. Scruffy Xander said.

Suave Xander said, No, I am.”

They tried to attack each other but Buffy stepped between them. She flung Scruffy Xander across the room; he landed against the kitchen counter.

“Thank you. Suave Xander said.

Buffy grabbed him and shoved him over next to Scruffy Xander.

“Ow!”

Anya, Michael, and Buffy came up to examine the two Xanders side-by-side.

“Wild. Michael said.

“Yeah. Okay, Xander Xa you’re both Xander. And you can’t kill each other. Um, well, you could, but it would be really bad.”

The Xanders looked at each other.

“No way. Suave Xander said.

“He can’t be me. He’s all fancy. Scruffy Xander said.

“We can prove that you’re both Xander. Michael said.

“Yeah! Buffy said, then to Michael. How?”

“Um Michael said.

“Um Buffy said too.

“Well, there has to be a way. Michael said.

“Ooh! What number am I thinking of? Buffy asked.

“I don’t think that’s gonna do it. Michael said.

“Eleven and a half. The two Xanders said in unison.

“Wrong. Oh! But see?”

The Xanders frowned.

“No. We’re not the same. We’re all different. Scruffy Xander said.

“Different properties went into each of you, but you’re both Xander. Michael explained.

“Different properties? Anya asked.

“What different properties? Scruffy Xander asked.

“Uh, uh, you know, uh, sense of direction. Good night vision, stuff like that. Buffy said.

“Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket! Scruffy Xander said pointing to Suave Xander’s pocket. A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!”

Suave Xander reached into his pocket, taking out the thing, What disk?”

“Cover your eyes! Scruffy Xander cried covering eyes with his hands.

“This? Suave Xander asked.

“It’ll melt your brain!”

Buffy took the thing from Suave Xander. Anya and Michael leant in to see.

“Look. Buffy said to Scruffy Xander.

Tolerantly, Suave Xander said, It’s a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It’s not magic.”

Scruffy Xander uncovered his eyes to take the thing from Buffy.

“No, I huh. It is kinda cool. Scruffy Xander said, finally looking at it, Suave Xander nodded tolerantly. Washington’s still there, but he’s all smushy. He looked more closely. And he may be Jefferson.”

“Okay, isn’t anyone gonna tell me why there are two Xanders? Anya asked.

“I will on the way to Giles’. Let’s go. Buffy said.

They all turned to leave just as the door was smashed in. Scruffy Xander and Anya hid behind Suave Xander, grabbing his shoulders. Toth strode in.

“Oh great. Rod boy. Buffy said.

“I will not miss again, Slayer. Toth said.

Standing behind Suave Xander, clutching him around the shoulders, Scruffy Xander said, The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces!”

Toth raised his rod. Buffy and Michael dove out of the way, in opposite directions. Toth fired at Buffy and missed, tearing a big hole in the floor.

“Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit! Suave Xander said.

Michael jumped on Toth from behind, making him drop the rod. He threw Michael off. Michael kicked him a few times (putting his kick-boxing to good use), then Toth head-butted him and flung him aside. Buffy came up and kicked Toth a few times, punched him a few times, then he picked her up and body-slammed her. She kicked up as he approached, catching him on the chin. She got up, landed a few more kicks and punches, and Toth went down.

“Sword! Buffy said.

Michael grabbed a sword from the bag of weapons and threw it to her. She caught it as Toth got up. Buffy swung the sword and chopped Toth’s head off, blood jetted out of the neck wound. Toth fell to the floor, blood still pumping from his neck.

Buffy stood panting. Anya and Scruffy Xander let go of Suave Xander. They all clustered around the corpse.

“Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit’s gone. Suave Xander said.

Scruffy Xander gasped, I was thinking the same thing! Hey, do you suppose we’re both Xander?”

Suave Xander gave him a big grin. Anya stared at them.

The two Xanders stood side-by-side. They were now dressed the same, both in yellow T-shirts and identical Hawaiian shirts, but Scruffy Xander’s shirt was all dirty whereas Suave Xander’s was clean, and Scruffy Xander’s hair was much messier.

“Look and admire, ladies. Scruffy Xander said.

They were in the magic shop. Willow, Buffy and Anya were in a row staring at the Xanders, fascinated. Michael was sitting on the steps watching, and Giles was on the floor making markings with chalk.

Looking closely, Buffy said, Look, there’s a scar there, she pointed at Scruffy Xander’s forehead. and there’s the same one right there. Buffy pointed at Suave Xander’s forehead.

“It’s all double. Willow said pointing. This zit, and this kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way. She pointed to Scruffy Xander’s nose.

“Okay! Back off, ladies. Scruffy Xander said.

“Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn’t it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? Michael asked.

Everyone gave him an odd look.

“Just me, then.”

“So you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same Anya looked downward. Physical attributes? she laughed suggestively.

“We’re completely identical. Suave Xander said.

“Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. Anya frowned in puzzlement. Fingerprints!”

Turning to the others, Anya said, Well, maybe we shouldn’t do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and we can all have sex together, and you know, just slap em back together in the morning.”

Giles tried not to look appalled. Buffy and Michael grinned.

“She’s joking. Suave Xander said.

“No she’s not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is wrong, and, and it would be very confusing. Scruffy Xander said.

“Why couldn’t I have got two Buffys? Michael asked grinning.

“Shh. Buffy said trying not to laugh.

Getting up from the floor Giles said, Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.”

“Check. Candles and pretence. Willow said.

Everyone moved around getting stuff ready, except the Xanders.

“It’s not like it’d be cheating. They’re both Xander. Anya said.

“Now, hold on a sec. If you weren’t putting a whammy on people with the shiny thing, how’d you do it? How’d you get the promotion? Scruffy Xander asked.

“Well, I’m good at that stuff. Suave Xander said.

“I am?”

“Yeah.”

“And hey, how bout that lady, huh? The apartment manager.”

“How weird was it when she called me mister’?”

The Xanders grinned goofily at each other.

“We’re ready. We should do it now. Willow said.

The Xanders turned their grins toward her.

“What’ll we do if this doesn’t work? Anya asked.

In unison, both Xanders said, Kill us both, Spock! They looked at each other and laughed delightedly.

“They’re kinda the same now. Buffy said.

“Yes, he’s clearly a bad influence on himself. Giles said.

“Hey, summon the goddess. Chant the chant. Let’s do it. Scruffy Xander said.

“Actually, it’s not that hard. Your natural state is to be together. Toth’s spell is doing all the work of keeping you apart. I just have to break it. So you two Willow took them both and positioned them inside the chalk markings, stand right here. Side-by-side. We don’t want you to end up with two fronts, now do we?”

“Are you sure you know how to do this? Scruffy Xander asked.

Willow exhaled, Here we go. Brace yourselves.”

The two Xanders closed their eyes and prepared.

“Let the spell be ended. Was all Willow said.

Xander stood with eyes closed.

“You gotta be kidding. Let the spell be ended, that’s not gonna work. Xander said.

He opened his eyes and saw there was only one of him.

“Oh!”

Willow smiled proudly.

“I liked it the other way. Put him back. Anya said.

Buffy raised her eyebrows.

Xander and Michael were carrying boxes out of Xander’s basement. Anya was sitting on a stool reading a magazine. Michael and Xander put the boxes by the door, and Xander paused to look around.

“Getting nostalgic? Michael asked.

“I don’t know. At first it’s just a place, then you start to make memories, and then you’re like, Xander pointed, that’s where Spike slept, and pointing, there, that’s where Anya and I drowned the Separvo demon. Oh! pointed, and, and right there, that’s where I got my heart all ripped out. Xander shook his head. I really hate this place.”

He and Michael turned to pick up the boxes as Buffy walked by. She went to pick up another box, passing Anya.

“Anya. I see you’ve joined the non-sling-wearing crowd.”

Smiling, Anya said, Yes, I’m feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure.”

“That sounds nice. Buffy walked off carrying the box.

Xander walked up to Anya, carrying another box.

“Ooh! Anya tossed the magazine aside. Presents?”

“Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little.”

“Me? Anya pouted. Buffy has super strength. Why don’t we just load her up like one of those little horses?”

“Anya. Please.”

Getting off the stool Anya said, Fine. I’m just your slave. Anya took the box and went out.

Xander watched her go. Michael watched too, while packing a box.

“How is it that she can always make me feel Suave Xander’s left the building? Xander asked.

“You two have your friction, but she digs the whole package. It’s obvious. Michael said.

“Still, I do envy you sometimes. Michael looked up at Xander. I mean for the sanity. Not that I’m still into Buffy. Then quickly. Not that I ever was.”

Grinning, Michael said, Hey, I’m well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy’s like nobody else in the world. When I’m with her it’s like its like I’m split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I’m not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. Michael smiled a little, then continued packing for a moment, then looked up at Xander again. But she doesn’t love me.”

Xander stared at him, not knowing what to say. Buffy re-entered.

“Got something else for me to carry? Buffy asked.

“Uh, you can help me pack this. Michael replied.

“Sure. Buffy went over to Michael and kissed him. Sure.”

They both turned to the packing as Xander watched.