Chapter 11

Three hundred miles away in a Gold Coast apartment, Dana tossed and turned on the sleeper sofa’s pullout bed. The angst crawled at her skin. She could feel her calf muscles tightening. She thought of Greg being back in Thomas Mill. Instead of being ten feet away, she was stuck in Chicago.

A week ago, she had a dream. Greg sat on the couch next to her, bare-chested. They kissed. Greg guided Dana’s hand down the front of his flannel pajama bottoms, so that she was touching his dick. It was bigger and harder than Dana had ever imagined. Dana leaned back on the couch, with her head propped up by the armrest. She pulled Greg on top of her. While they kissed, Dana pushed down Greg’s pajama bottoms. Greg tried to push her blouse up, but Dana knocked his hands away. She reached under her skirt, and pulled her black tights and panties down to her knees. Grabbing Greg’s penis, she guided it between her thighs. Just as it was about to enter her body, she woke up in a gasp.

Out of breath, she had this strange feeling come over her. It gripped her entire body. Waves of a calming relief pulsated throughout her being. Her spine tingled. Slowly, her breathing returned. Her entire body relaxed, and she looked up at the ceiling. Uncontrollably, she was shaking. Dana was shocked that she could feel this way from only a dream. It was the first orgasm she ever felt.

Dana had never masturbated before. In the middle of her Dad’s living room, she was not going to start now. She longed for that feeling of contentment that she felt seven days earlier. Greg was the first person to make her feel womanly. She felt cheated that she couldn’t welcome him home.

She got up and walked over to the window. Pulling back the drapes, she stared out into the sky. It was a dark blue. The lights of the city prevented her from seeing stars. Not one star was visible, nothing for Dana upon which to wish. She stared down onto LaSalle Street below her. Cabs were driving up and down the street. People walked up and down the sidewalks. She wondered how could she feel so alone in a city of more than three million people.

Her father was asleep in the next room. Dana loved her father. She would spend two weeks with him near the holidays, and two weeks during the summer. Only spending four weeks together a year, Dana could feel that they were growing apart. When her dad picked her up at the train station, he gave her a box. Dana opened the box, and pulled the stuffed panda bear out. She thanked her father, but didn’t have the heart to tell him that she stopped collecting stuffed bears five years ago.

It worried Dana that she would never have a normal relationship with a boy. She did not know if she could relate to a man. Growing up with her divorced mother had taken away the opportunity to see a functional marriage. She never blamed her parents for getting a divorce, reasoning that she would be more miserable if they stayed together for her sake. She didn’t want her parents resenting her. On the other hand, she would have liked growing up with a man around. She wished she had a man to confide in, to give her a different viewpoint.

Dana thought again of Greg. She very badly wanted to see him. But, she was also terrified of him. She wanted to meet his expectations. She didn’t want to disappoint him. Greg deserved to be with a wonderful girl, and would she be wonderful in his eyes. Dana doubted it. Looking out the window, Dana caught a reflection of herself. The ugly duckling, she thought to herself. Tears started to stream down her face, and she pondered how any guy could find her attractive. She crawled back into bed, buried her head into a pillow, and cried herself to sleep.