There was once a man who masturbated so much that he began to fall in love with his own hand. He named her, Muriel, and drew her a face. He would talk to her and eventually she started to talk back. He loved her like he could never love another human being.

This man was not of the social type, in fact his encounters with breathing folk were becoming so seldom he was starting to lose common knowledge of human behaviorisms. He would find himself not holding his head in the upright position, and found that all of his idiosyncrasies were fleeting.

Muriel became his life support. He could talk to her about the thoughts that would cross through his mind. Whether bland, or aberrant, she would comfort him nonetheless. She was his opulence during the day and his inamorata at night.

When the light from the sun would lower itself below the horizon enough so that it was no longer traceable to the ball-shaped capsule containing the vertebrate eye or as they less commonly refer to it in the medical community as nighttime, the pair would retreat to the bedroom. They would make blissful passionate love for hours until one would so romantically say to the other, are you almost there?

One night after another chapter of mattress abuse and the couple had long been asleep, the man awoke. He looked to the right, where Muriel would normally be, to find that a large red stain soaking through the white bed sheet had replaced her. He lifted the sheet and saw that Muriel was gone. She had been taken, hacked off at the wrist leaving only a bloody stump. The man sat up on the side of his bed and put his slippers and robe on, and went out to the hallway to look for her. Once in the hallway he could hear a blatant moaning and a light rocking sound. He followed the sounds with his ears like a bloodhound, despite the fact that bloodhounds don’t smell with their ears. After almost finishing a complete 360 degree turn in the hallway he recognized that the sound was coming from his neighbors apartment, and that his door was conveniently open enough for any passerby to take a gander at what was going on inside. And the man did just that.

What he saw shocked him. It was Muriel going down on the next-door neighbor.

True Story…