I spent the rest of the evening just sitting in a chair in that same bedroom with my face buried in my hands. As neighbors and friends came to claim their coats they glanced at me sympathetically, miserable drunk that I appeared to be, and decided to let me sober up on my own. One offered to drive me home, but our house is only just down the street, so I shook my head. It might as well have been across the continent. When the last guest left, Bonnie came in to see me. "Feeling a little better?" she asked.

When she was gone, Bonnie finished clearing away, turned, and began a rhythmic dance toward me. "Alvin honey," she said. "We havent much time, so listen. I know Delia doesnt understand what really happened last night, and how you really felt about it. And now shell never want to understand. She likes this idea shes come up with too much." "And so do I. It keeps Dan closer to home, and it gives me someone to be with when he isnt with me.

The door chimes sounded. While Dan went to answer it, Bonnie came around in front of me and leaned over, and clamped my head between her hands, and said, "Alvin, Alvin, calm down, itll be all right, itll be fine, youll see, just dont have a stroke, take some deep breaths now! Breath in! Now out! Now again!" She started stroking my head, and she straddled my lap, and said, "Again!" Which is why I was breathing in and out heavily, and Bonnies face was against mine and

When I woke up the sun was high, and I scurried down to the kitchen still in Bonnies nightgown, anxious to get my reconciliation with Delia under way. It was not my fault, after all, I had to repeat to myself. I had no reason to feel ashamed. I shouldnt need to defend my innocence. Bonnie was already up, and standing at the counter with her back toward me, pouring coffee for herself and waiting for something to finish heating in the toaster.

I must say, the next two weeks were fun. As soon as Jerry got home from work I made him get into character -- in fact he had to get out of the car already behaving a little prim, and walk to the front door with quick short steps, thighs together and his ass Then he had to find his keys in his pocket as if he were searching through a purse, and I made him slide the key into the lock with flair, like a ballet movement, or a sexual act performed with one arm. At first I made him try to sound like Truman Capote, but we settled for his sounding just a little bitchy. It started out as a game for him, to please me, something to master like a golf stroke or skiing moguls.

Shed changed her dress. That purple evening gown now clung to her. It seemed to be poured over her body and splashed from her ankles. "You see these two, Jeff? You think you can do to me what Megs husband is doing to mine?" "Yours?" I heard Jeff say. "Shes your husband?" Oh, God! I shut my eyes tight and cringed. An embarrassed flush overwhelmed my face.

The drive back home was a little different. I was zoned out, a sweet smile never left my face Stacy told me later, and my eyes held in their glow a peaceful, contemplative inwardness, as if I were a woman whos just been told shes going to have a baby, that her femininity, her desire to love, be loved, and be lovely has been fulfilled. My hair was strawberry blonde and frost-tipped, curled, piled in lush, high, pretty curves, with loose braids woven in until my own longer tresses could grow out.

Well, Jane came back from her long weekend with Desmond, and remained distant for a few days, thoughtful and a little wistful. Was she thinking about the lost love of her life? Her lost Desmond? Shed look at me when she thought I wasnt looking at her, deeply sad about something, then look away again. I registered nothing at all. The third night it emerged, why she was so sad. She tried a few times to speak, then managed it. "I went to a BiGirls meeting. The girls tell me you have a great tongue. Masterful, that its a rare gift.

I was glad when my first period ended and I could put away my napkins and tampons for another few weeks. At least mine were predictable, not likely to begin embarrassingly when I was out shopping or at a business meeting, where Id need to excuse myself, or worry whether Id stained my skirt or slacks before Id noticed. But one evening two weeks later Melissa came home with a special gleam in her eye. "I think tonight well try to make you pregnant," she said.

Anyhow, I opened my eyes again when daybreak began to break up the dark outside the window and I could see shadows of separate trees. I looked around. Mike and Ralph were both asleep, each spooned into his lover, each hugging us. Ralphs hand rested lightly on my breast, and oddly, Mikes hand caressed one of Jerrys nipples even in his sleep. I vaguely recalled hearing Mike say affectionately to Jerry as he was falling asleep, "Youre a wonderful girl. I love the feel of your pecs. Dont go queen on me too soon, and get breast implants or anything like